I'm Back!

    After a long break from blogging (my last blog being 10/8/14) I've decided to start blogging again since I've definitely missed the writing. My last blog consisted of daily entries for 365 days, because I was working on my OCD and thought that writing my daily activities down would help. Currently, I still have OCD, but I'm not even going to try to blog every single day since now I have a baby:)  Most of this blog will be about me fumbling my way through Motherhood and I will also be discussing how it effects my OCD.
    My baby girl was born 3/9/16. Up until the day my baby was born I didn't know what the gender was although I had a feeling very early on that it was going to be a girl. Honestly, I didn't care at all as long as he/she was healthy. I was so nervous the entire pregnancy that something would go wrong, I really think that was a lot of my OCD involving superstitions. Every trip to the bathroom until the first trimester was over was a nerve wracking experience for me. I even delayed telling my co-workers until I was well within the second trimester. Luckily, everything turned out fine and she was born very healthy! Being pregnant really wasn't as bad as I was expecting, even up until the day I delivered I was able to get around without much issue. I had these images of waddling around the last month, but that wasn't me at all. My last day at work was the day before my due-date and I was still very active then. With this being said, I still suffered from various pregnancy issues but nothing that made the experience horrifying. One of the hardest parts of being pregnant for me were the food restrictions and not being able to drink alcohol. It's not like I was an alcoholic before but I definitely enjoyed my weekend drinks and it was a major adjustment for me at first. Also, I had gotten really into working out prior to my pregnancy and I was too nervous to work out during my pregnancy, which I'm now sort of regretting. Now, when I look at my post baby body I feel like I have a lot of work to do! Once I have my 6 week postpartum appointment and the doctor gives me the okay, I'm going to have to start getting some workouts in. Gulp, I'm not sure how I'm going to have time but it's a must!
    It's been 4 weeks since my baby was born and I can easily say these have been the hardest 4 weeks of my life! Nothing really prepares you for this. The first week wasn't terrible because my husband was home but then he had to go back to work. Those first few days alone with the baby were horrible. I was definitely having what they call the "baby blues", on top of a complete lack of sleep. I just felt like I should be back at work and that someone else should be taking care of my child. After having thoughts like those you just start feeling guilty for thinking them. I couldn't believe that I wanted a baby so bad and I finally had one but wanted to be at work. It's just a hard adjustment....which is still hard on some days. I went from working full time and having complete independence to not being able to leave the house at all. Luckily, with my family and my husband's family, I haven't had to be alone too much. My husband has been very supportive as well. When he gets home from work he usually gives me a break so I can take a shower, play with the dog or do something that I haven't been able to do all day. My dog has been handling the adjustment better now than that first week too. She was miserable the first week and wouldn't even play with my husband or I. Now, she's pretty much back to her old self which is very comforting.
    Then there's breastfeeding! It's supposed to be the easiest thing in the world to do, women for thousands of years have been doing it, but my baby and I suck at it....excuse the pun:) If you watch a YouTube video of how it's "supposed" to be done it looks nothing like me feeding my baby. After 4 weeks of doing this I still look extremely awkward. The baby has her one month doctors appointment on Monday and that's going to be the tell all. If she's gained the appropriate amount of weight then I'll be able to continue awkwardly feeding her and counting down the days until 6 months when I can wean her:) However, if she's underweight we're going to have problems and I don't know if I'll have the confidence to continue putting myself through all this.
    I've just re-read this blog entry and it seems a little bit cold. I should add that I'm thrilled to be a Mother, especially to my baby girl. She is the most beautiful thing I've ever seen and it's amazing that I created her....with my husband of course:) I've really enjoyed seeing her change just a little bit everyday. She's so much more aware and alert now than in the beginning and it's getting really exciting showing her different things. I love her facial expressions. Hopefully I'll manage to get myself through this period of adjustment somehow!